Sunday, February 17, 2013

I THEN RANG THE DOORBELL - A SIMPLE POST FROM THE HEART






"TAKING A STEP BACK"


"WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND GO TO BED AT NIGHT "



"I THEN RANG THE DOORBELL"


On this posting I just want to step back from the Jersey law Office - The Jersey Media - The Culture of concealment.  We have been looking at the case of the B******S and shortly the extraordinary case which is "Blanche Pierre" but first I want to come back to the people this is really about the people who had their childhoods stolen. 


The Victims of Abuse


This is just a short posting.


This is also a little about myself. The reason for this is the word "Trauma". This word has been on my mind for many months now. I have recently found out how severe trauma can burn images on your mind and give you a clarity of events that are with you when you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. It has made me think about the innocent children and the traumatic events that plagued their childhoods. These events were inflicted on these defenceless children by opportunists - pedophile rings- carers etc etc. All these people had a duty and care towards these children but abused their trust and positions of care. I have sat back and watched in amazement how the people with so little empathy towards these once innocent children have treated them with such disdain in their adulthood. I have watched in utter disbelief the fight that has been fought to get a Committee of Enquiry into decades long child abuse in Jersey with a fit for purpose Terms of Reference. I must at this point thank the hard work put in by Deputy Tadier - former Deputies Wimberly and Bob Hill - Deputy Pitman - Carrie Modral - Deputy Higgins and the JCLA. 

The "Trauma" suffered by these children must be horrendous. This would have followed them into their adulthood.  Many would have turned to alcohol,  drugs and basically any form of substance abuse to enable them to blot out the horrors of their past. Some would have contemplated suicide.  Some would have gone through with this ultimate of last resorts. It is because of this word trauma I believe children who have suffered such horrendous abuse can recount what happened to themselves with such clarity. It could be said that it's lawyers and judges who cloud their memories and make them doubt what they know to be true.  I have taken a good look at myself - asked myself the simple  question am I strong enough to handle the traumatic events that recently happened to me. What is my mental strength? Do I have the mental strength to place certain events in a safe place in my mind so they won't come back to haunt me later on in life. This is what  I have been thinking about this past week. 

I have been so blessed with my life. A loving family. A great family life and so on. I know many have not been so lucky. My heart genuinely goes out to these people. You can't choose who you are born to. You just  enter into a lottery. My life changed last year. I lost my dad. I really loved this man. I can't put into words how much his passing affected me. The man who helped shape me as a person passed away so suddenly. I was travelling with dad when he passed away. The pilot grabs my hand "are you ok" yes, I reply. I look out the window, I look into the sun, not for my dad as the pilot is imagining but for the "Hun in the sun" who I know is up their waiting to dive down upon us. This is how I'm dealing with the situation unfolding before me. I don't want to look behind me but I must.  I owe it to my dad to be strong and accept death. I know my mind wants to protect me from trauma.  I place my dads watch around my wrist. I was alone.  We get back to Jersey.  I never left his side.  It was traumatic. It's burned into my memory. My mind is like a DVD. I can recall it like pushing the play button.  I know I have to tell my mum. This is traumatic.  I have so much time to think how I will do this.  I turn my phone off.  I look for composure. I'm all alone. 

 Just like the victims of abuse waiting outside the office of the "Professor of Forensic Psychiatry" They are waiting, contemplating, their minds racing, can I trust this man? Will I tell him everything, will he even believe me , will he make me doubt what I'm saying.  They are in this position because of the Compensation Scheme. They no doubt start to relive the trauma that is tucked away somewhere in their minds. As I write this, Im thinking about when I landed back at Jersey Airport. My pacing up and down the little departure lounge-  waiting - contemplating- contemplating how I'm going to tell my mum and close family. We have all no doubt been in a position like this or similar before. It all unfolds. It happens fast. The Victims of Abuse need support when they give this evidence - they are alone - they need support when they have relived the trauma of their past but they leave alone. Alone just like their traumatic youth. They then wait for the Psychiatric Report. But what if the abuse they are reliving is to hot to handle for the authorities? Do the authorities then start putting in doubt? - doubt that the evidence being offered Is not correct?

I reach town. I leave my dad properly for the first time in my life. Pressure is building. I continually talk to myself. Im looking, searching, searching for the inner strength I know we all carry. I have that feeling of being all alone. Then out of nowhere adrenalin turns up - delivered like an unexpected gift. I look to the sky - its a pure blue - good weather for bad news I say to myself. I'm now the leader of the family and must act like a leader. Six months down the line and it's still there. Everything just like yesterday. This will remain the same. I know this. Abuse Survivors have carried this trauma for decades. They walk with the trauma of their past. They have my full admiration.  They should all be respected and helped- not hindered at every turn. I help because I was brought up to help. Im not perfect, far from it. Attacks on me for what I do is water of the old ducks back. I'm going nowhere.

There are black days. You learn how to manage them. Talking is best. Im not good at talking. I have sat and listened to Abuse Survivors during their black days. I have heard talk of suicide. I know how these thoughts can appear. There were times in the early days when these thoughts came to me, only as a way of not dealing with the pain. That is ok with me. I love life. Everything about life. The good and bad that can come our way. That is not to say that dark thoughts should be discarded - far from it. You should treat them with the respect they deserve. I have learnt so much these past 4 years. This has  helped me.  As I sit writing this posting I'm very content with life. The Abuse Survivors still have a long way to go before they can sit back with a little closure in their life. Money doesn't give you closure. I think all survivors of abuse would agree with this. The authorities coming clean about their failures and being honest in an open and transparent way would bring more closure than money.

I reach the entrance to the estate. My mate was great on the journey home. Talked to me in a way that I don't think he really appreciates. He knew what I had to do but kept me talking about other stuff. We say goodbye. I have a hundred yard walk. Abuse survivors have had a longer walk. I gather myself. How will I do this. Hope mum isn't  standing at the window as she normally is - why should she be - she isn't expecting me.  There isn't a manual to fall back on here. This is what can define you as a person. Stay strong. I begin the walk. Just about completed the walk. I'm set. I bump into a neighbour, "how is you're dad" they ask, "just passed away" I replied, "does you're mum know" they enquire, "No" I replied. They know that I'm on the edge. I turn the corner of the drive. My first good break of the day mum isn't at the window. As I walked that day, so I will walk with the survivors of abuse, until it is done. It takes nothing to stand up, remain strong, and most of all  be counted. 


I THEN RANG THE DOORBELL


Rico Sorda 

Part Time Investigative Journalist

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

You can hold your head high rico...im sure your dad would be proud..empathy and compassion are qualities we should all aspire to...respect.

Anonymous said...

My condolences for your loss, and for your pain of missing a fine parent.

You are a living tribute to the man who fathered you. A son who stands up for what's right even though it goes against the majority, that is a real man. As parents, many of us have no higher aspiration than seeing our children live with a higher purpose. You can take strength from his good life and soldier on because of his legacy. You are a gift to those who need the truth to finally free them from their trauma.

Póló said...

Mighty credentials.

Shaolin Philosophy said...

"Each man must start with himself, within himself, by slowly forging his Chi, the bond between the finite and the infinite, the inner essence of his Spirit and the limitless power of the Universe. Only thus can you conquer the power and the presence of evil."

word v 'hischink'

Anonymous said...

Rico in life, there are few people who have cared for people like us, as you have! your father is very proud of you and will give you strength to help those of us who have suffered some very sad and cloudy days, thank you, bless you.

rico sorda said...

Thank you for the kind comments.

Todays posting was just to bring it all back to the basic level of what this is about. None of us are perfect. We all have life issues to deal with. It's the victims of abuse who have walked with so much for so long and yet get treated with total disdain.

I just wanted to get across what trauma can do and the damage it can cause. I have always treated my blogging in an open and honest way and hope to continue doing so.

I can't be shifted from my work. I have moved way beyond the imbeciles of this world.

Truth Honesty and Integrity.

We must demand this from our Government. This is not about what political persuasion you are this is about being morally connected with the people they are elected to serve.

rs

rs

Anonymous said...

So moving, and yes,I don't doubt for a minute that your beloved was and continues to be hugely proud of you.

Stay strong but allow yourself moments to grieve.

Anonymous said...

This posting is up there with the very best. Brave and honest. You have a little gift in the way you write.Take care rico.

Anonymous said...

Have you not considered getting yourself some psychological help because after reading this pitiful load of rubbish I would say you really need it.

GeeGee said...

Dearest Rico - oh how I can identify, empathise, understand and agree with every single word you have written. You are a good man Rico, and like an awful lot of people seek the truth and honesty.

I would just like to say that having lost my son almost 9 years ago at a far to young age, the grief I felt too was unbearable. If it is any comfort, the nature of grief changes and although it is always there does become more bearable, especially if you have the strength you obviously have. I am not religious, but like to think spiritually and I know, as with your Dad, his spirit is all around and will give comfort and strength when the going gets tough.

Like you also Rico, I have spoken with many of the survivors of abuse, and listened to some most harrowing stories that have been gut wrenching and highly emotional for me and had a huge impact and effect on me. There are some very damaged people as a consequence of the 'care' they were afforded by the States of Jersey and its employees. Deniers can deny all they like, but have they ever actually spoken to any victims?

How many States Members have made the effort to listen to what these people have to say? Not many.What they want most of all is to be believed and to be listened to, not villified for destroying the 'reputation' of Jersey!!

This is why the forthcoming Committee of Inquiry will allow them this once and for all opportunity, and why the Terms of Reference must be exactly right. Those with nothing to hide will have nothing to fear.

Finally Rico, I have a little picture in my mind of your Dad and my Neil somewhere beautiful looking down on us and having a good old natter together! That's the sort of thing that keeps me going.

We'll fight 'em on the beaches don't forget.

Anonymous said...

“Have you not considered getting yourself some psychological help because after reading this pitiful load of rubbish I would say you really need it.”

You disgusting little non-descript specimen of a thing, why don’t you find a hole, crawl in it and die.

Sorry Rico, I don’t normally react to trolls but that comment has left me reeling.

All the way through your post you have put across so eloquently how the abuse survivors must feel and cope with the trauma of living with the constant memories of child abuse and take it from me, you are absolutely spot on. You have managed this by putting across your very own private and personal trauma that you have experienced in losing your Father and which must have been so painful for you. I am deeply grateful for all that you have done and continue to do for the abuse survivors and I am so sorry for your loss x

rico sorda said...

The Troll comment got published instead of being deleted. In a way I'm glad It got posted as it just shows the level of lunatic we have running around this Island.

We must ignore this idiot.

More important things to worry about.

Thanks for the kind words Anonymous Forget about the troll. Stale cats piss just about sums him up.

rs

Ian Evans said...

One of our troll's best mates is ANDRE BONJOUR

Ian Evans said...

How the Jersey cover-up machine really works....LE MARQUAND AND TAYLOR

thejerseyway said...

Hi Rico.

Just put up the Audio from today's States sitting, Hope this helps your investigation's. You & your Readers can listen HERE

TJW.

rico sorda said...

Just another crazy day from the "States of Jersey"

Question without answers is getting just beyond a Joke. Wether it be the Home Affairs Minister, or in fact, any Minister, on any subject, their are simply no answers being given. I have said for a long time now that the States of Jersey as a body is not fit to govern the people of Jersey. It's simple defunct of any sort of meaningful existence except one might say to run Jersey into the ground. I listen to as much as I can during the day. Yes, it is torture, but one that must be endured so you know what you are talking about when you say it is defunct. It doesn't matter what you're political leanings are we should all be really worried about what is going on in there.

The Electoral Commission is a classic example. It got knobbed and now look at the mess that is just starting to unfold. I predict the Privy Council will be involved before the next election. It's on the cards.

Someone should tell Philip Bailhache to just go and do one. Tell him that Jersey needs to breathe in the 21st Century. We need a flourishing Finance Centre that operates in a jurisdiction that has a separation of powers. We need a flourishing Finance Centre that comes with people who have a social and moral conscience. Finance is the only game in town. It must be supported - everything else must not be neglected. This is where its going wrong. The real decision makers are morally bankrupt. We need a new generation of forward thinkers to take us forward. We need our Police and Judiciary to start acting lawfully.

I'm getting very worried about the future of Jersey. Finance alone can't save us.

The Old Guard must go.

rs

Anonymous said...

Best Wishes Rico,

Paul letherbarrow.

Zoompad said...

Thanks for what you are doing Rico.

I got a really bad dose of the blues yesterday. You know I am a Christian believer, but yesterday I just lost it, got absolutly furious, screamed at God that I hate him for letting this bad stuff happen, banged my head against the wall, I just completly lost it. Some days I feel like I am hanging on by a thread.

I do have family, my parents weren't the ones who abused me, but I got abused and my parents had no idea what to do, and when they turned to Social Services for help Social Services ended up sending me to that Pindown pimping house, and Mum has told me since that she was dead scared because they were threatening to take away my younger siblings as well. After that it seemed like everyone expected me to go along with this version of my story that was that I for no reason at all suddenly turned from a hard working motivated Grammer School student into a rebellious screaming crazy Lolita and had to be put into a psychiatric hospital, the only trouble was is that I upset everyone by not going along with the whitewash version of events, and I couldn't just brush the shit under the carpet either because as soon as I tried to get a job the big hole in my school career and the fact that I had been in psychiatric hospital for almost a year came up, and I had to try to explain what had happened, which brought everything back all over again. So I couldnt and didnt do what everyone wanted me to do and airbrush what happened out, and its caused so much misery in our family and left me feeling isolated, really lonely.

So I ended up with low paid jobs, which would be all right but the trouble is when you are in low paid work some people think you are worth nothing and they can abuse you, so I ended up getting molested at work as well. And so then when you end up on benefit people call you an idle workshy scrounger, so your self esteem, which was pretty thin in the first place, goes kaput, and thats how I ended up hospitalised another 3 times in psychiatric hospitals for depression.

Sorry if this offends people but I hope that anonymous cowardly arse hole troll gets cancer. Perhaps Christians aren't supposed to say such nasty things but I am sick of being stamped on all the time, I am sick of being told to turn the other cheek, and I am sick of God letting these arrogant shameless cretins gang up on people who have had nothing but kicks all their lives. God, if you are reading this. do something then, don't just sit on a cloud and watch the show!

Zoompad said...

"Finance is the only game in town. It must be supported - everything else must not be neglected. This is where its going wrong. The real decision makers are morally bankrupt. We need a new generation of forward thinkers to take us forward. We need our Police and Judiciary to start acting lawfully."

And that goes for the UK as well.

rico sorda said...

Just listening to the speeches on the Referendum in the States of Jersey. Make no mistake, we are in Peril. The level of debate is of the scale. Half of them haven't a clue about the complete rubbish the commission have been put before us. It is a shambles, a complete shambles. Most people don't have a clue as to what is going on in the States. The whole thing is not fit for purpose.

This will end up in the Privy Council. The core element is being missed by the dinosaurs.

Truly shocking.

rs

Anonymous said...

Yes the orginal A,B, &C have gone through.
But now it is down to the usual non voting majority to get out and vote on this referendum.

And to vote for A.

That usual non voting majority with enough promotion and prompting can without doubt get "A" top.

We have eight weeks to promote and promt "A"

GeeGee said...

'Most people don't have a clue as to what is going on in the States. The whole thing is not fit for purpose'.

Sadly Rico, this is the crux of the matter, and sadly most people not only are not aware of what is happening, but do not really care.

Peril is the right word indeed.

Anonymous said...

Is it possible doorstop some of our silent but deadly elected members to hear their own unrehearsed views ( on electoral reform?

Anonymous said...

The States of Jersey chamber at its worst. Not voting for Southern's ammendment was a big mistake. It lost 19:30. I can't help thinking if Francis le Gresley had proposed it, would it have succeeded?
Then not voing in Pitman's ammendment to make the "fundamentally flawed" (quote ILM!!) proposition less flawed, was another big mistake on the parts of the States members.
The lowest point was William Bailhache not allowing Francis Le Gresley's vote to 'delay for more information.' FleG backed his case with good reasons. Nobody stood up to Bailhache. There were grounds to on this issue.

Anonymous said...

Rico,

I've got a proposition for you.

Today I saw this Guardian investigative journalism masterclass.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/guardian-masterclasses/investigative-journalism-april

It's a weekend in April and costs £500 which is a lot of money to a regular worker like you (no offence intended)

Why don't you put a tweet or a blog post out saying you are seeking contributions to help fund it, via Paypal.

If 50 people contributed £10 each, you'd be there. You'd need a flight and some digs too.

I'd be in for £10, probably £25. Maybe £50 if you caught me when drunk ;-)

Why NOT do it? You could take this to the next level. You have the balls to do it, but maybe not the money. That's OK, we'll crowdsource the money for you.

Give it some thought. Tweet a link to this comment out to see what the take up rate might be.

Anonymous said...

Ha haha I think Rico could charge for lessons in investigative journalism.

Perhaps the link should be submitted to credited State media.

Anonymous said...

“Have you not considered getting yourself some psychological help because after reading this pitiful load of rubbish I would say you really need it.”

Rico, whoever the amebic blob who wrote the above is, he/she quite obviously had no parents, well at the very least no parents who cared about he/she, this by itself is so very sad. A childs parents are without doubt the fountain spring of everything that child will become. Your post was so relective of my own moment when my father passed away,I was there when he went but then had to head back home to convey the news to my Mum, it was not easy and raw emotion to say the least. So to the above poster I can only say this, for what ever reason you saw fit to make this comment it is without doubt a sad reflection that you are unwilling or unable to have empathy with Rico's loss, but take heart there is always hope and as the saying goes the very darkest time is before the dawn.

Anonymous said...

PAUL MATTHEWS... not the Paul MATTHEWS who passed his Jersey Advocate's exams...

...not the PAUL MATTHEWS who is the Deputy Judicial Greffier from the [Judicial Greffe &] Viscount's Department [who (with colluding others) ensures the appropriate outcome is "cemented" through the Cesspit Corrupt Courts of Jersey that are administered by the compromised Judicial Greffe of Jersey - the senior members have ALL sworn a PRIVATE Oath to SHIELD their male Brethren - the CROWN OFFICERS & senior members of the Jersey Assembly - the Legislature, the Executive, and the Judiciary - together with fellow Brethren senior businessmen, Brethren senior Media persons, Brethren senior police, and Brethren senior professionals, who have joined together in a monumental Criminal Conspiracy and pledged their support to the Brethren of Jersey - the 1% that SHAFTS the 99% of people of Integrity of Jersey], headquartered at the Judicial Greffe, [in the States Buildings, Royal Square, St Helier, Jersey, JE1 1JG], Paul MATTHEWS, a man who is very much "ON THE SQUARE" in JERSEY...

Avoid JERSEY courts like the PLAGUE - unless you are a FREEMASON... you are then SHIELDED by the CORRUPT CRIMINALS - the real >>> of JERSEY...

Anonymous said...

I'll chip in to the investigative journalism course if you decide to go for it. This was a very moving blog. Good luck Rico with everything.

rico sorda said...

I just had to publish the above comment. People from outside of Jersey you can now see the mentality we are up against. The above comment comes from a person with multiple identities on the Internet and especially Facebook. He his intent on ridiculing people who have suffered abuse and those who support them. You will notice that anywhere where there is political debate this lunatic is to be found under the name of James Le Gallais and others.

If only this bonkers person would put all is spare time into something positive then think what he could achieve. But alas that would be too much for him to do. Always Syvret, Pitman's and Tadier. He is the famous Jersey Troll.

Sometimes it's important for people to read the above comment and others like them we get sent.

The sad thing about all this is that lunatic is showing all the assets to becoming a Minister in Jersey.

rs

Anonymous said...

International readers might like to know that Jersey's "rough diamond", Ian Evens gives the opportunity to hear the surprisingly effeminate laugh of a Jersey Troll at :
http://therightofreply.blogspot.com/2012/12/haw-haw-haw-jersey-christmas-trolling.html

As the death threat was recorded on tape the Jersey authorities had no choice but to convict their pet blackshirt.
- but no prison, they only bound him over.

and you would not believe how they have protected him since, while leaving him on an extremely long leash .....

Anonymous said...

"He his intent on ridiculing people who have suffered abuse and those who support them."

Who is this person Rico, name them.

Anonymous said...

His legal name was already exposed under Parliamentary Privilege by John Hemming, MP. However, he is known under most of his dozens of alternate names used on social media to promote the protection of paedophiles, and those who cover-up sex crimes against children.

Daniel said...

Rico writes: "We need a flourishing Finance Centre that comes with people who have a social and moral conscience. Finance is the only game in town. It must be supported - everything else must not be neglected. This is where its going wrong. The real decision makers are morally bankrupt. We need a new generation of forward thinkers to take us forward."

Some reading this may be laughing to themselves - "Finance", "moral", and "ethical" in the same sentence. But it IS possible.

Take a look at "Plan B" - an ethical and sustainable way forward for the island's Finance Industry, far away from providing services for the Brazilian mayors and Jimmy Carrs of this world - which is utterly UNsustainable.

I will dig out the reference now, gottit:

http://www.taxresearch.org.uk/Blog/2010/07/04/plan-b-for-jersey/

Daniel said...

I should have said also:

Excellent post, Rico. Thank you.

daniel

Lorna Savage said...

Lorna Savage

It takes a real man to show his emotions the way you have done. No troll is a real man (or any kind of a woman).

Fully recovered from my accident and looking forward to catching up with all my Jersey friends when I come over in July

Lorna
xx

Jersey ste said...

beautifully written, thoughtful, provoking. I like all your posts but this one especially.
My thoughts are with you and your family and I hope that in time you can look back with happiness. It really is wonderful what you do for others, without any agenda.
Thanks for supporting us HDLG former residents. I didn't feel like I 'won'. Just felt that I had been made to walk the first 20 years of my life all over again and despite that, the big guns escaped justice. No wonder half of my friends never bothered giving statements - they all say to me now "what did you actually achieve?" I wonder that myself sometimes