Sunday, February 17, 2013
I THEN RANG THE DOORBELL - A SIMPLE POST FROM THE HEART
"TAKING A STEP BACK"
"WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND GO TO BED AT NIGHT "
"I THEN RANG THE DOORBELL"
On this posting I just want to step back from the Jersey law Office - The Jersey Media - The Culture of concealment. We have been looking at the case of the B******S and shortly the extraordinary case which is "Blanche Pierre" but first I want to come back to the people this is really about the people who had their childhoods stolen.
The Victims of Abuse
This is just a short posting.
This is also a little about myself. The reason for this is the word "Trauma". This word has been on my mind for many months now. I have recently found out how severe trauma can burn images on your mind and give you a clarity of events that are with you when you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. It has made me think about the innocent children and the traumatic events that plagued their childhoods. These events were inflicted on these defenceless children by opportunists - pedophile rings- carers etc etc. All these people had a duty and care towards these children but abused their trust and positions of care. I have sat back and watched in amazement how the people with so little empathy towards these once innocent children have treated them with such disdain in their adulthood. I have watched in utter disbelief the fight that has been fought to get a Committee of Enquiry into decades long child abuse in Jersey with a fit for purpose Terms of Reference. I must at this point thank the hard work put in by Deputy Tadier - former Deputies Wimberly and Bob Hill - Deputy Pitman - Carrie Modral - Deputy Higgins and the JCLA.
The "Trauma" suffered by these children must be horrendous. This would have followed them into their adulthood. Many would have turned to alcohol, drugs and basically any form of substance abuse to enable them to blot out the horrors of their past. Some would have contemplated suicide. Some would have gone through with this ultimate of last resorts. It is because of this word trauma I believe children who have suffered such horrendous abuse can recount what happened to themselves with such clarity. It could be said that it's lawyers and judges who cloud their memories and make them doubt what they know to be true. I have taken a good look at myself - asked myself the simple question am I strong enough to handle the traumatic events that recently happened to me. What is my mental strength? Do I have the mental strength to place certain events in a safe place in my mind so they won't come back to haunt me later on in life. This is what I have been thinking about this past week.
I have been so blessed with my life. A loving family. A great family life and so on. I know many have not been so lucky. My heart genuinely goes out to these people. You can't choose who you are born to. You just enter into a lottery. My life changed last year. I lost my dad. I really loved this man. I can't put into words how much his passing affected me. The man who helped shape me as a person passed away so suddenly. I was travelling with dad when he passed away. The pilot grabs my hand "are you ok" yes, I reply. I look out the window, I look into the sun, not for my dad as the pilot is imagining but for the "Hun in the sun" who I know is up their waiting to dive down upon us. This is how I'm dealing with the situation unfolding before me. I don't want to look behind me but I must. I owe it to my dad to be strong and accept death. I know my mind wants to protect me from trauma. I place my dads watch around my wrist. I was alone. We get back to Jersey. I never left his side. It was traumatic. It's burned into my memory. My mind is like a DVD. I can recall it like pushing the play button. I know I have to tell my mum. This is traumatic. I have so much time to think how I will do this. I turn my phone off. I look for composure. I'm all alone.
Just like the victims of abuse waiting outside the office of the "Professor of Forensic Psychiatry" They are waiting, contemplating, their minds racing, can I trust this man? Will I tell him everything, will he even believe me , will he make me doubt what I'm saying. They are in this position because of the Compensation Scheme. They no doubt start to relive the trauma that is tucked away somewhere in their minds. As I write this, Im thinking about when I landed back at Jersey Airport. My pacing up and down the little departure lounge- waiting - contemplating- contemplating how I'm going to tell my mum and close family. We have all no doubt been in a position like this or similar before. It all unfolds. It happens fast. The Victims of Abuse need support when they give this evidence - they are alone - they need support when they have relived the trauma of their past but they leave alone. Alone just like their traumatic youth. They then wait for the Psychiatric Report. But what if the abuse they are reliving is to hot to handle for the authorities? Do the authorities then start putting in doubt? - doubt that the evidence being offered Is not correct?
I reach town. I leave my dad properly for the first time in my life. Pressure is building. I continually talk to myself. Im looking, searching, searching for the inner strength I know we all carry. I have that feeling of being all alone. Then out of nowhere adrenalin turns up - delivered like an unexpected gift. I look to the sky - its a pure blue - good weather for bad news I say to myself. I'm now the leader of the family and must act like a leader. Six months down the line and it's still there. Everything just like yesterday. This will remain the same. I know this. Abuse Survivors have carried this trauma for decades. They walk with the trauma of their past. They have my full admiration. They should all be respected and helped- not hindered at every turn. I help because I was brought up to help. Im not perfect, far from it. Attacks on me for what I do is water of the old ducks back. I'm going nowhere.
There are black days. You learn how to manage them. Talking is best. Im not good at talking. I have sat and listened to Abuse Survivors during their black days. I have heard talk of suicide. I know how these thoughts can appear. There were times in the early days when these thoughts came to me, only as a way of not dealing with the pain. That is ok with me. I love life. Everything about life. The good and bad that can come our way. That is not to say that dark thoughts should be discarded - far from it. You should treat them with the respect they deserve. I have learnt so much these past 4 years. This has helped me. As I sit writing this posting I'm very content with life. The Abuse Survivors still have a long way to go before they can sit back with a little closure in their life. Money doesn't give you closure. I think all survivors of abuse would agree with this. The authorities coming clean about their failures and being honest in an open and transparent way would bring more closure than money.
I reach the entrance to the estate. My mate was great on the journey home. Talked to me in a way that I don't think he really appreciates. He knew what I had to do but kept me talking about other stuff. We say goodbye. I have a hundred yard walk. Abuse survivors have had a longer walk. I gather myself. How will I do this. Hope mum isn't standing at the window as she normally is - why should she be - she isn't expecting me. There isn't a manual to fall back on here. This is what can define you as a person. Stay strong. I begin the walk. Just about completed the walk. I'm set. I bump into a neighbour, "how is you're dad" they ask, "just passed away" I replied, "does you're mum know" they enquire, "No" I replied. They know that I'm on the edge. I turn the corner of the drive. My first good break of the day mum isn't at the window. As I walked that day, so I will walk with the survivors of abuse, until it is done. It takes nothing to stand up, remain strong, and most of all be counted.
I THEN RANG THE DOORBELL
Part Time Investigative Journalist